The return

Pictured:Lamb Goulash on Polenta. Not the actual recipe I'm blogging.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything here (over a year and even then there was only 1 post in 2014) and I'm going to fire it up again. There have been a number of reasons I've not used it but I don't owe you bastards anything so deal with it. Over the next couple of weeks I plan to blog a few christmas recipes that I do most years so that should be fun.

I'm still cooking the recipe I was going to blog today (pictured above from when I did it in the summer) but I either forgot to get or couldn't find anywhere about half the ingredients so it's turning into something else entirely and I don't know if it will be any good. So instead I'm going to do the recipe I did last night which will lack relevant pictures.

Spicy Pork Bolognese

I've always had a bit of a soft spot for bolognese unless you make it from a jar in which case fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I also have a pasta maker which I would go as far as to say is essential for anyone who loves cooking and Italian food for 2 reasons. 1) It really does make a superior pasta and you can pretty much make what you like with a bit of practice 2) It's time consuming and requires a bit of hard work and patience, which means you won't feel like doing it often and that's good because pasta is really not something you should be eating a lot of if you have a sedentary lifestyle which you spend either at a desk or asleep like me.

Homemade spaghetti on a coathanger because I'm thrifty

I also bloody love smoked paprika. I consider it the king of all seasonings for it's incredible robust and delicious flavour and I get through metric tonnes of the stuff. Pork mince is also decidedly cheaper that beef mince but goes this slightly unpalatable grey colour when you cook it. It also lacks the richness of beef.

Combine that lovely smoky rich paprika and the pork mince you get a different, interesting and slightly spicy/warming spagbol that's easy to make.You can also make it with less/no garlic if you're not so fond of that whole Italian garlic the fuck out of everything thing.

Also a lot of people like to put carrots in their bolognese. These people are wrong.

Ingredients

Pork mince

1 whole onion

3 cloves of garlic

Tin of chopped Tomatoes

Mushrooms

smoked bacon lardons/pancetta

Smoked Paprika

Regular Paprika

Red wine

Tomato puree

Thyme

Oregano

Pork stock cube

Optional extras:

Cherry Tomatoes (if they're in season substitute the tinned tomatoes for a load of these. It will make a richer sweeter sauce)

Finely dice the onion and place in a pan with the pancetta and herbs over a very low heat. Cover and allow them to soften for about 20 minutes. This really brings out the flavour of the onions. After about 10 minutes add a handful of halved cherry tomatoes if you're using them and the mushrooms and cover again.

Season the pork mince with salt and pepper and about a tablespoon of smoked paprika. Get a second larger pan and brown off the mince over a higher heat. Whilst you're doing this crush the garlic and add it to the onions (you don't want to add it too early or it will burn). You may wish to drain some of the fat off the mince depending on how lean it is. Add the rest of the herbs to the mince and another couple of tablespoons of smoked paprika and one tablespoon of ordinary paprika. 

Transfer the onions, pancetta etc. to the pan with the mince and mix well. Add about a glass and a half of red wine and turn up the heat slightly so the liquid just begins to boil off. 

A short side bar here. People like Nigella Lawson will say things like "Use a good wine, one that you would drink". Fuck those people. I'm not made of fucking money. My good wine, that I would drink, is going to get drunk. I specially selected it for THAT VERY PURPOSE. I'm not wasting it for a minor improvement in flavour when I spent good money on it. I have 2 boxes of cheap wine on the top of my freezer I use for cooking and they do fine. We had a bottle of chianti with this last night and I'm far happier it went straight in my face rather than in the dinner. 

Anyway where was I? Sprinkle the pork stock cube over the mince. You don't want to use a liquid stock for this. Too much liquid is the enemy anything with minced meat. Turn the heat down and stir well for a couple of minutes before finally adding the tinned tomatoes and about a teaspoon or 2 of tomato puree. 

Turn the heat right down as low as possible and cover. Allow it to gently simmer for about 1 and a half hours, checking periodically to make sure it doesn't dry out. If it does get dry at all add a splash of red wine. Taste regularly and adjust the seasoning to your liking. If you find you've over seasoned a splash of lemon juice can go some way to counteracting it, particularly with over salting. 

Serve over spaghetti (which you can buy from the shops of course). 

Feta, Bacon & Lentil Salad - I'm back bitches

So it's been a while. I'd apologise but I've been spending too much time being super awesome (you're welcome world). Also lying about stuff (unrelated).
My sister's boyfriend asked me to send him this recipe recently which reminded me of the existence of this blog so I thought I'd post it. It's quick, easy, gluten free, flexible and can be eaten hot or cold and as a main or a side dish. It has 3 core ingredients (or 2 if you want to make it vegetarian) and a number of optionals that I add depending on what I fancy/what I'm cooking with it/whatever the fuck needs using.

Main ingredients
Green/Puy lentils (I like the Puy better for this dish as they stay firmer under longer cooking)
Smokey Bacon Lardons
Feta Cheese

Optional ingredients
Red onions
Spring greens/Chard/Spinach
Chickpeas
Olives (green or black, finely chopped gives a nice salty Umami edge)
Cherry Tomatoes
Red wine vinegar (This is actually an essential ingredient for me)
Chopped basil/chives/parsley
Stock (also essential in my opinion for extra flavour in the lentils)

(Tonight as you can see in the pictures I used spring greens, red onions and red wine vinegar)

Destructions
Rinse the lentils in cold water (about a cup is good for 2 people). Bring to boil in stock (I used ham stock. Pork or chicken is good too) or water for 2-3 minutes then reduce to a simmer. If you're using onions chop them finely. I like to soften them for a while so put them straight in the pan with a little olive oil on a very low heat for a bout 10-15 minutes. Use this time wisely to cube the feta cheese, chop any other veg you may choose to use or just watch "2 Broke Girls" like the depraved fucking cretin you are (aren't they sassy. And doesn't the casual racism gently appeal to your prejudices).

I'll wait dickface

Once the lentils are cooked but firm drain them. By this point the onions should be softened too. Turn up the heat and add the lardons and chickpeas too (if you're doing them). Once the lardons are nearly done add the lentils to the pan (along with optional greens, cooked till they're softened. You can also add olives at this point).

I'm awesome at taking iphone photo's clearly

If you're having it as a cold salad let it cool then add the feta later (and spinach, tomatoes, olives, vinegar etc.).
If you're eating it warm or as a side add half the feta and stir it in so it begins to melt and coat the lentils. Splash a little red wine vinegar (for sharp sweetness and acidity to counter the salt of the feta and the bacon) and serve sprinkling on the rest of the feta and any chopped herbs.

Serve as a side (with lamb, steak or some nice merguez is good) or as a main.

Like this...

Dedicated to Shaun. You gimp.

Lamb breast. Make that shit classy

Shakey cam

So a quick disclaimer before I start this one. I have been drinking. I know. Shock.

Right with that out of the way. I thought I'd put this up because I need to remember it and I pulled a fucking blinder as I was winging this one and it came off. Plus it's complicated as fuck.

Ingredients (for 2)

For the Lamb

Lamb breast, rolled and small (like you get at the supermarket knocked down for £2)

1/2 red onion

2 carrots

4 cloves of garlic

about a large glass of red wine

1 measure of gin

1 measure of blackberry and elderflower pimms (neither this or the gin is essential but it makes a great difference)

Hand full of fresh mint and rosemary.

A slow cooker or a casserole and an oven on a low temp. 

For the reduction

2 Glasses of red wine

1tsp of Blackberry (or similar dark tart fruit) jam

The other half of the red onion (please tell me you kept it)

1 clove garlic

Fresh rosemary & mint

The stock from braising the lamb (I will explain later)

For the Blue cheese Gratin

2 Large white potatoes

100ml double cream

milk

butter 

flour

Creamy blue cheese (The Castello stuff is the shit)

How?!

Firstly I must acknowledge this from "The Skint Foodie" for the suggestion of braising first (and the entire basis of the recipe) http://www.theskintfoodie.com/1/post/2012/09/slow-cooked-breast-of-lamb-and-a-couple-of-bowls-of-ribs.html. Do check it out as their recipe is probably better than mine but it kicked me off.

Trim the lamb breast as much as possible. Shit is fatty and the more you get off the better. Season with salt and pepper and if you are a huge wild garlic fanboy like me your dried wild garlic that you foraged in the spring.

Chop your half an onion and the carrots roughly. You aren't going to eat them so who gives a shit what they look like. Smash the garlic cloves as well. Just smash them up. Fuck 'em.

In a casserole or your slow cooker pan (which is what I used) heat a little oil and brown off the carrots, onions and garlic. Then add the alcohol, reduce the wine first then add the fruitier spirits once the wine is mostly gone (you want to infuse the fruitiness in the braising process). Chuck your fresh herbs on top. Place the herbs on top and then rest the lamb on top of them. Braise on a high heat in the slow cooker for about 3 hours. If you have a casserole you're on your own. Experiment? Or check out the superior skintfoodie blog.

Leave for about 3 hours.

Jam out a few tunes and drink some beer.

After 3 hours take the lamb out, wrap in foil and leave it to rest. Strain the liquid through a sieve and leave it out too.

Go to the pub for an hour or 2.  

When you get back heat the oven to about 200 Celsius and start skimming the fat off the liquid. 

Slice the Potatoes as thin as you can (however thin you're thinking...thinner). These potatoes are hard as balls to cook so all I can recommend is precise paper thin slicing. Mine were slightly undercooked tonight and I sliced them as thin as I could until I got bored (I have adjusted the recipe to compensate). 

Make a small amount of basic white sauce, about 100ml (milk, butter, flour and if you can't do that you've come to the wrong place).  Add the cheese to melt into it leaving enough to top it and gradually add the cream while whisking. Leave a little cream.

Place the potatoes in a small oven dish in layers, adding enough sauce to cover each layer. When you get to the top layer cover in cream and the left over cheese. Put it in the oven, it will take longer than you think to cook. 

After about 30 minutes put the lamb (still wrapped in foil) in the oven. It will need about 2 hours in total. After about 45mins open the foil partially. After an hour and a half open the foil completely. 

About 20 minutes before the lamb is done you can start the reduction. You need about half the mint and rosemary you used for the braising of the lamb for this. Chop the herbs and the onion as fine as you possibly can. Heat oil in a deep frying pan and soften. Add the wine and allow it to reduce. Add the stock gradually to maintain the viscosity of the reduction. Stir in the jam to sweeten and add thickness (I know, its a delicate balancing act). You should end up with a thick and yet runny sauce with a deep red, almost purple colour. The best description I can offer at this time is like a dipping sauce. It's hard to describe how to make a wine reduction when drinking 12 Y/O McCallan at 1am. 

Right in the middle of making the reduction (about 10 mins before you're done) take the lamb out to rest. Take the potatoes out right before serving. They should be browning on top but not burnt. If they are that's your fault you should have been paying attention you fucking windsock.

Carve the lamb into slices about an inch thick and serve with the reduction on top.

No I was't sober when I took this asshole.

The beauty of this is lamb breast is the cheapest cut of lamb and if you buy smart the whole meal works as a classy meal for 2 for less that a fiver. So fuck off Marks & Spencer.

You quims...

A nice quick summer pork steak recipe

Pork steaks make a nice simple and cheap dinner. But they can also be a bit boring. I like this recipe because I get to use my new griddle which I can't stop using at the moment (thank you Baconator) and it uses a lot of fresh herbs which are growing out of control this summer. I'm just gonna talk about the pork today, the potatoes are already on an early blog post and the lentils are just cooked in stock. Work it out yourself they're not difficult.

Steaks like this are great in the summer, as anything citrus and herby is. With potatoes like these it makes a nice simple Iberian style dinner for a sunny evening.

Ingredients

Pork Steaks
Half a lemon
Handful of fresh Thyme and fresh Sage
1 Clove of Garlic
Olive oil

Instructions

Finely chop the herbs as you would if you were making pesto (which you pretty much are) and place into a mixing bowl. Crush the garlic and Zest the lemon and combine with the herbs. I actually use dried wild garlic which I blogged about earlier this year, but you're not going to get that in the shops and bulb garlic will do.
Squeeze in the lemon juice from the half of the lemon and add a small splash of Olive oil (about a teaspoon or less). Mix it so that it takes on a similar consistency to regular pesto.
Season the pork on both sides with Salt and Pepper and then spread the pesto over the the pork steaks. Leave to rest for about an hour.

Heat a griddle pan (if you have one) until its steaming hot, enough to fry steak obviously. The great thing about griddle's is you don't need oil so you get less fat in it. It also holds moisture beautifully and I can't recommend getting one enough, especially if you like good steak. If you don't have one, heat a little oil in a regular pan. Fry for about 3 minutes on each side.

That's literally it. What else do you want from me?

The worlds quickest dinner... Smoked Salmon and Prawn Tagliatelle

I'm not entirely sure if this is the quickest recipe in the world but it's certainly the quickest and easiest thing I make. It's not even really worth blogging except I a) haven't blogged anything in a while and b) it's so ridiculously easy to make whilst being classy enough to impress. If you're shit at cooking and have a woman/man/parents to impress I feel like I may actually be doing someone somewhere a service. As such I will write this as directed to a man who can't cook desperately trying to save his relationship after a huge row. No need to thank me bitch. It's also pretty cheap to make.

It also happens to be one of the Baconators favourite things so if she needs cheering up or whatever it's good enough to earn me instant brownie points with no effort what so ever. And these little tricks are important in a relationship.

Ingredients

Fresh egg tagliatelle (buy it from the supermarket. Who the fuck has time to make pasta? If you do, then by all means go ahead, you smug bastard. I'm sure she's perfectly happy to watch you make a twat of yourself with that pasta roller you were given 2 years ago that you keep in a dusty box on top of the freeze. Asshole.)
Smoked Salmon trimmings (about a quid a pack in the fish section)
Frozen prawns
Creme Fraiche
Fresh Dill (dried will do but fresh is better. You cheap fuck. I bet that's why she's mad at you.)
Lemon Juice

What to do

Defrost the prawns first. Idiot. Properly defrost them cos they're not getting cooked. What do you want to make her ill or something? That's not the plan here. She already hates you. Don't make it worse. She can't even stand to look at you and she's probably questioning why she's here right now...


Done it? Good.

Get a bowl chuck in the salmon and prawns. Make sure you break up the salmon. Chop a handful of dill and mix that in. Then add a liberal splash of lemon juice. Leave for at least half an hour.

Boil a saucepan of water (with a pinch of salt. What are you complaining it's not on the ingredients list? Fuck you everyone has salt. Never the wonder she's mad at you). Add the Tagliatelle. Cook for about 4 mins or however long it says on the packet. You should know it's done when it floats to the top.

Drain the pasta and take the pan off the heat. Put the pasta back in and add the prawns and salmon. Add 2 or 3 table spoons of creme fraiche and some more chopped dill. Stir and serve. You can even garnish it with a sprig of fresh dill.

If you fuck that up she probably should leave you.

Rotisserie Chicken and an ode to wild garlic...

Two posts in as many days is a lot for me and I'm certainly not looking to make a habit of it but I wanted to get this recipe down and also evangelise a little in a slightly Hugh Fearnly-Whittingstall manner, as dirty as it makes me feel.

Your name is stupid

Firstly I'm incredibly lucky in that when I moved into my flat last year it had 2 ovens. As it turned out the old one that was slightly falling apart had a rotisserie feature. I wont lie. This caused some mild arousal.

This was the first image that came up when I googled Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall aroused. I am saying nothing.

Secondly I've been wanting to blog for a little while about wild garlic. Where I'm from in Somerset between March and May there is a fantastic amount of the stuff and it really is one of the best ingredients in the country, especially considering its relative abundance around bridle ways and old droving lanes in the South West. The late spring this year meant that when I went home a couple of weeks ago there it was still in full swing. I'm also going back next weekend and if I'm lucky it wont have gone over. I even managed to dig up a few bulbs to plant in my own, incredibly sheltered and sunlight free garden. This is usually a curse but wild garlic loves these conditions. And yes I know its frowned upon, even a little illegal to pick wild flowers but come on. This shit is EVERYFUCKINGWHERE.

Pictured: Wild Garlic EVERYFUCKINGWHERE

In short no one is going to miss a bulb or 2. 

The other great thing about it (apart from its relative abundance) is that you can use the whole plant. The leaves are great in salads, or chopped up into a risotto. The stems are great for dressings or as a milder substitute for garlic bulbs. I used it in a variety of things over the past 2 weeks but in order to preserve it I also dried it, on a low heat in the over for several hours, before grinding it up and storing it in an empty herb shaker. I also made some fantastic wild garlic and thyme butter, which I did by chopping it in the food processor with some fresh thyme and soft butter. I then made it into a log, wrapped it in baking paper and froze it. 

That brings us neatly on to the recipe. Incidentally shortly after I started writing this I realised it's impossible to describe preparing a chicken without it becoming weird. I suggest putting on some Marvin Gaye to balance the mood.

Ingredients

1 Whole Chicken

Garlic Butter (you can also make this by mixing a few garlic cloves and herbs, thyme and rosemary being the most common choice, with butter)

A rub for the skin made of ground salt, pepper, garlic granules, thyme and some paprika for colour.

5 or 6 halved shallots and 3 or 4 garlic cloves to go inside the chicken

Vegetable oil

Method

Firstly you're going to have to get slightly more intimate with a chicken than a lot of people like to. Not quite Hugh FW levels of intimate but still...

Pull the skin at the neck or arse end (ladies choice) away from the flesh on the breasts so that you can get a few fingers between the skin and the meat. Then get some of that garlic butter in and really spread it out. If you get it under the skin in one blob you can usually massage the skin to spread it out if you're too squeamish to get right in there. But then you are massaging a dead chicken. You fucking perv.

As well as helping you to explore some of the darker corners of your sexuality the butter will also help the skin to crisp from underneath as well as keeping the meat moist. Please stop me if you feel faint Mary Whitehouse.

Make a small slit at the top of each thigh and do the same as you did with the breasts.

Take a long shower if this has gotten too weird for you.

Insert the shallots and garlic bulbs into the chicken, the arse end will give you best access. 

Take another shower.

Rub the skin with the rub, all over, you might as well now you've done worse. Leave it for half an hour to let the skin dry and so you can think about what you've done.

Now you'll need to insert the spit. Make sure the blades dig into the breasts at the top end as deeply as possible, it will probably slip when its cooking and you'll have to adjust it but the deeper it gets into the flesh the less often you'll have to do it. I also recommend tying the legs and wings tightly to the body. If they flop around while it rotates it will come loose. Now drizzle it with oil and fit it into the oven.

Have another shower.

Switch on the grill at a high to medium heat and start it rotating. You can pretty much leave it to it now for about 2-3hours, coming back to baste it every 15-20minutes. 

I have to confess I actually left it too long this evening as I was distracted by alcohol and the veg and it started falling apart a little. Still when it's done you should be left with some lovely, tasty, crispy skin and tasty herby/garlicy meat.

I'm off for another shower. But finally a beautiful shot of my old walk to the pub in the middle of spring. Covered in wild garlic.

Everyone knows General Tso's Chicken...

Apologies to South Park for ripping off their joke (as I did with Archer in my last post, I sense a pattern).

Anyway this is a slightly modified version of the classic General Tso recipe, as Bacon doesn't like anything too spicy, so this is a milder version that's a bit more of a sweet and sour recipe. It's also a lot more complicated than other recipes I've posted on here so I wouldn't dive into this one if you're a novice. It involves a lot of different cooking techniques and a lot of tasting.

This is the first recipe I ever wrote down. Unfortunately I lost it, which is what persuaded me to create this blog. If the internet looks after it for me then I don't have to worry. Thanks internet. Thinternet.

BUY THESE THINGS TO MAKE YUMMY FOOD

FOR THE CHICKEN
Chicken (breasts or thighs, I used breasts tonight and 2 is probably enough for 2 people)
Eggs (1 egg for 2 chicken breasts)
Tonic Water
Cornflour
Ground Star anise, Coriander, Mustard seeds & ginger (I also like a little ground cinnamon in it)*
Onion Salt, Garlic Granules, paprika, Salt & Pepper*

Incidentally if Asda feel like sponsoring a blog I'm poor and apparently am advertising their shit for free.

*Alternatively you can use one of these seasoning mixes and 5 spice

And a LOT of vegetable oil. Get one of the big bottles, you can reuse the oil after you use it. 

FOR THE SAUCE
Spring Onions
Granulated Sugar
Tomato Puree
Umami Paste (this stuff is great, but a bit of lea and perrins and/or fish sauce will also do the job, however this might leave the sauce a little thin so you may want some cornflour to thicken)
Rice Vinegar
Chinkiang Vinegar (this is also really good for chinese sauces, keep an eye out for it)
Soy Sauce
white wine
Minced Garlic (4 cloves)
Minced Ginger
Tomato Ketchup (this is a massive, but useful cheat)

Also veg. A carrot, half an onion and a red pepper will probably do it. I'm also incredibly fond of Chinese stir fry veg. In particular water chestnuts. I also used baby sweetcorn tonight.

FOR THE EGG FRIED RICE
Rice (I use brown rice for everything but white rice is stickier and probably better for this)
1 egg
Spring onions
Frozen peas

Follow these instructions

You'll probably want to start by cooking the rice. The reason for this is that the colder and dryer it is when you come to stir fry it the better the rice will crisp up and that's what you're aiming for. If you like do it the night before and put it in the fridge.

Next the sauce. Finely chop the onions and mince the garlic and ginger. Pour about 1/4 cup of granulated into a bowl. Chuck in the onions, garlic and ginger and about 2 tablespoons of tomato puree and 2 teaspoons of umami paste. Add a generous splash of rice vinegar, a small splash of chinkiang vinegar and soy sauce and about half a glass of white wine. Mix it all up. It should taste pretty damn good already. But you might need to bulk it out a little and the tomato ketchup does this job well and keeps the consistency about right. About 2 or 3 tablespoons should be enough.

Now set the sauce to one side. Chop the chicken into 1-2 inch cubes. Put them to one side as well while you make the batter. Put about a cup and a half of cornflour into a bowl along with the seasoning. Beat in an egg and gradually add the tonic water a little at the time until you have a relatively smooth batter that is thick enough to cling to the chicken. Add the chicken and coat it evenly.

Get a wok and half fill it with vegetable oil. If you've got a deep fat fryer that's great and you should probably turn it on. And then go and have a good think about why you've got a fucking deep fat fryer in your fucking house. Normal people can put the wok on a high heat. Be careful because cooking with hot oil in these volumes is a bit on the dodgy side.

Once the oil is hot you can start adding the chicken. Fry for about 2 minutes in small batches of 5 or so pieces. With each batch you might want to check one to see how its cooked and then adjust cooking times accordingly depending on your kit etc. Once fried place the chicken on kitchen towel to absorb as much excess oil as possible. While you're frying the chicken you can also prepare the veg.
Once it's all fried you may find you have some excess batter. I chopped up the other half of the onion, added some more plain flour to the batter to thicken it and made some onion pakoras (or bhajis as they're usually known although I'm lead to believe this is incorrect terminology).

with the baconators xmas chutney that she made for hampers last year

Get another wok or large pan and heat up a splash of oil and start frying the veg. Once the onion has softened add the chicken and the sauce. Set on a low heat with a lid on it and simmer it. 

Now for the egg fried rice. Beat an egg with a splash of soy sauce. Microwave the peas for a couple of minutes until cooked and chop up a couple of spring onions. Get another Wok (I don't imagine you have 3, I've got 2 and I think that's excessive) or a frying pan and heat a splash of oil. Add the onions and then the rice and peas. Stir fry for a couple of minutes until the rice starts to crisp up nicely. Stir in the egg and continue to stir fry for another couple of minutes. 

And that's it, ready to serve. I've done this for about 6 or 7 people in the past and it's just as easy to do in large quantities, just increase the ingredients accordingly.

I'm doing a rotisserie chicken tomorrow, so I might even blog that as well. Just to show off the fact that I have a rotisserie oven.